Writing about moving on sounds so cliché. Especially, for someone who is not fully moved on just yet! But hey, I’m getting there, and I’m learning so much along the way.
I don’t think I’ve ever moved on quiet as revolved as I am this time around. Maybe because it hurt so much? I’m older & a bit wiser? Maybe because the risk of jumping from one relationship to the next is much higher ! Or from the words of my cousin “you seem mature” as if they were expecting me to react to my break up so immaturely….
In my younger days, jumping from one relationship to another felt like the right thing to do ~ “I have so much time to figure things out.” I never actually did figure it out.
Now it seems like I need to get it together and figure it out because my “biological clock” is ticking! And the feeling of being the only single person in my vicinity seems so daunting. It really isn’t that bad.
How long has it been?
I’m about to reach 6 months post break up. How am I doing? I’m still on the road to recovery! I thought I moved on. Even attempted to go on a few dates only to realize that all I can think about is my ex while I’m on them. I feel a sense of relief though that I can easily tell how I am truly feeling… After the last date, this guy seems so nice and so ready to give me everything. This man I barely know is already telling me things I wished my ex told me. I kept thinking about my ex and mentioned him a couple of times too. When I got home, that’s when I realized that I really really need to move on. That’s when I realized, I haven’t done much work to really get over it. That’s when I realized that there’s still a lot of work to do.
For the first couple of months, after the break up, I focused so much on setting myself free of the guilt. I thought “How we ended isn’t my fault!” Oh not at all, I kept on remembering only the times I was miserable in the relationship. Only realizing that when people agree with me, I find myself defending him and wondering where I went wrong. I go on this endless cycle.
In all reality, I came to realize that it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Although, coming to that realization was harder to accept in that moment, it was the necessary thing to do. In my heart, whenever I remind myself about the bad things (so I can justify the pain I’m feeling), I find myself battling with myself. I find myself wanting to hate him so bad but my love for him always takes up more space. So I fight it. I fight the urge to miss him because missing him means I was wrong. Missing him meant that I did something wrong. Missing him means I wish things were different. Missing him means I want him in my life. I fought it so hard for so long. It wasn’t until later on that I realized that it wasn’t that at all.
I came to realize that it would be much healthier for me to let myself miss him. To remember and move on from the good times. To let go of the past and remember only the good times. I started working on forgiving him. Forgiving him for everything that went on in our relationship.
Whenever I find myself thinking about the bad times, I remind myself that I forgave that already and I feel much much lighter. Thinking about the bad times felt like an easier way to move on but when I finally had the strength to go through the process and go through our memories with a happier heart; I thought “it’s time to move on from the good memories too.”
In the beginning of our relationship, I remember telling myself that I will be forever grateful for having him in my life. I remember telling myself that no matter what happens between us I will be so thankful that he came into my life. I remember us both being afraid of holding grudges and being resentful towards each other…. it was not meant to be after all. The thing that saddens me is the thought that we were put together to experience a great deal of pain only to be reminded of the things we talked about from the very start.
I will always be grateful that he came into my life. There’s nothing that will ever change that.
Thank you so much for visiting my page! Leave me a comment if you are feeling the same way! ❤